“I just need to be more resilient.”
A client said this to me recently after a major project setback. When I asked what resilience really meant to her, she paused and said something akin to:
“I just shouldn’t be finding this so hard.”
That flavour of response is one I’ve heard too many times – not just from others, but from that internal voice many of us have that can be all too loud at times. We often have an expectation of ourselves to cope flawlessly, push through, and bounce back immediately.
But here’s the paradox: the more we believe resilience means we shouldn’t be struggling, the harder we are on ourselves when we inevitably do.
The Myth vs. the Reality
The myth: Resilience is about being tough, holding it all together, and quickly getting over things.
The reality: Resilience is more human, more cyclical, and more compassionate than that.
In over two decades of leading teams and coaching talented women navigating complex careers and personal lives, I’ve seen that real resilience looks like this:
⭐ Vulnerability is part of it – acknowledging when things are hard, rather than pretending they’re not
⭐ Recovery matters – resilience includes intentional rest, just like athletes build recovery into training
⭐ Compassion fuels it – self-kindness builds more sustainable strength and leads to more positive action than self-criticism
⭐ Perspective protects it – zooming out and seeing what we’re dealing with through different lenses can help us avoid catastrophising and regain clarity
What Real Resilience Looks Like in Practice
Of course there is no one-size-fits-all solution, but here are some practical tools and reflection prompts that have helped my clients (and me!) build a more grounded, sustainable approach when tougher times land.
🔹 Pause – Reframe – Respond
A micro-tool I use often:
• Pause: Notice your emotional response. “I feel dismissed.” “I’m overwhelmed.”
• Reframe: Ask, “What else could be true here?” or “Is this about me or about them?”
• Respond: Choose a response that reflects your values and longer-term goals, not just your stress in the moment.
One client stuck these words on a Post-it by her screen. They became her anchor in difficult conversations.
🔹 The Self-Compassion Pause
When you catch yourself thinking, “I should be coping better,” try this:
What would I say to a valued colleague or friend who was in this situation?
Then offer yourself the same kindness.
This isn’t indulgence – research shows self-compassion increases motivation and resilience.
🔹 Your Resilience Ratio
Be aware of your personal resilience ratio:
• What consistently depletes your energy? (e.g. certain meetings, interactions, tasks)
• What consistently restores it? (e.g. movement, creative work, connection)
Then aim to consciously balance the two – for example, schedule one replenishing activity for every three demanding ones. This can help you spot when the balance is tipping too far toward depletion, and give you some trigger points for knowing when to take action.
🔹 Strategic Support
Resilience isn’t a solo sport. Think about who could play these roles for you:
• A reality checker to help you zoom out
• A problem solver for practical help
• A safe space person who just listens
Mapping your support network, asking for what you need, and noticing any gaps can be game-changing.
🔹 Boundaries as Self-Protection
Resilience sometimes means saying no.
Practise saying the “positive no” – for example:
“I can’t take that on right now because I’m focusing on [priority].”
Timeline or scope may need to shift, and those choices become the reframed discussion point – because your capacity isn’t limitless. This helps protect both your energy and your credibility.
🔹 Micro-Rituals with Macro Impact
You don’t need a full day off to reset. Try:
• A few minutes and some deep breaths before a tough meeting
• Writing down one thing that went well at the end of each day
• A hard stop of calls five minutes before the hour to allow a quick time-out between back-to-backs
These two-minute rituals can create powerful shifts over time.
Redefining Resilience on Your Own Terms
If “resilience” has become a vague, pressure-laden word, try asking yourself:
• What does resilience look like for me right now?
• When have I felt most grounded, even during tough times?
• What helped me recover or keep going in those moments?
Your answers can form the basis of a personal resilience toolkit that’s rooted in real life, not just rhetoric.
And while reframing or gaining perspective can be a powerful way to regain clarity – e.g. “Will this still matter in six months?” – it’s worth remembering that this kind of mental zooming-out doesn’t always apply. In the middle of complex or deeply personal challenges, like health or loss, a different kind of resilience is often needed: gentler, slower, and deeply human.
The Takeaway
The most resilient women I’ve worked with aren’t the ones who push through everything alone.
They’re the ones who know when to pause, when to reach out, and how to be kind to themselves while navigating hard things.